Let us take a short inventory of some of our attempts to produce a satisfactory erotic life that have failed, hoping that there is an alternative that will produce it. What have we tried? We certainly have tried a number of approaches. What were the main ones?

Repression came first. It took on varying forms, of course. Some of us were so repressed that we denied that we had any erotic drives whatever. Others denied that they were homosexual and forced themselves to marry. Still others were aware of their homosexual attractions, but kept on repressing them. They thought that somehow, if they could turn off their emotional lives, they might just get along with their little malady. A few actually sustained this attempt, until it cracked them up. Many of us simply found we had misjudged our erotic energy and, realizing that we were not getting along with other people at all well, decided to think it over again. Repression was not the answer at all.

Another approach that we attempted was really sort of an imitation. The heterosexuals seemed to have a nice, simple life. Why couldn't we pair up in twos and pretend that we were really heterosexuals? One of us took the male role and the other took the female role. Of course, there was a premium on the male role, since it was impossible to be concealed as a female. Furthermore, we found we were really cut out for neither one nor the other role. Usually, as in our repression attempt, we blindly underestimated our erotic nature and needs. Moreover, with all our needs focused on our one partner, we soon became very exclusive and jealous of any other relationships that he might foster.

We thought that we actually were in love with our partner. What a

mistake! That couldn't have been farther from the truth. Of course, it

depends upon what you mean by love. We thought love was romantic, a possessive attraction. Usually, our affairs broke up tragically, and added to our already guilt ridden situation, because we always placed the blame on our ex-partner for not meeting our needs. We kept looking for "the right one," but finally, after becoming so hurt that we were afraid to make a stable relationship, we started attending bars often and we took up cruising.

So the last attempt, if it can be called an attempt, was the one-night relationship, perhaps with someone we had never seen before (and would never see again), or perhaps with some bar regular, willing for a one night stand. We did have one thing. Our erotic outlet might be irregular and uncertain, but usually we found someone willing and there wasn't any nagging partner about to remind us that we weren't living up to his ex-. pectations. However, we made one fatal misjudgment. In the final attempt, we almost quit trying to figure anything out. We decided that we were really only animals, and rather "ungovernable beasts" at that. Without meaning in our existence, we drifted on, lonely, hard, and so lacking in vitality that we were only able to keep up our downward drift.

Now, where does all this leave us? Is there an alternative? We do know that we must have meaning in order to be sane. We do know that we are not beasts, for beasts do not have to have meaning. At the same time, we have discovered that we have vast unreleased erotic energy with accompanying potentialities that cannot be adequately developed by one person alone. Our intelligence demands more meaning and our erotic lives are

19